December 1998

December 1, 1998
Hey, hey,'s Faaaat Albert. Nah, nah, nah, gonna have a good time!

December 2, 1998
With my corpuscles near exploding, I realize that I am in great need of journalizing, of expressing to the cyber world the joys and sorrows of living in this fallen world, celebrating the smell of spring and the harsh silence of deep winter, to look back on my life and to... but by then my corpuscles have burst and I lay in a giant hemmoraged heap within the confines of my cubicle, decomposing into what will one day be regarded as an urban legend by those members of the janitorial staff too young to remember the fateful day ol' Marge stepped into an office to empty the waste basket only to find stained carpets and the worst disinfecting job of her life.

December 3, 1998
First of all, I wanted to proclaim my love for Armor Potted Meat Food Product. And I mean love in the Biblical sense.

December 4, 1998
He was a crushed and broken man whose dreams had been shredded like a hamster in the vise-like jaws of a Rottweiler with a bunyion. But it's hard to feel sorry for him. He insisted that Bud "The Finger Bowl" Elmsing would be his professional wrestling name.

December 5, 1998
Today is Saturday, a day to sleep in late, eat a relaxed breakfast with the family, watch cartoons with the kids, and assassinate a major political figure.

December 6, 1998
I've beent thinking a lot lately about absorbant towels.

December 7, 1998
Today is Saturday, a day to sleep in late, eat a relaxed breakfast with the family, and watch cartoons with the kids. Hey! IT'S NOT SATURDAY! Man, the boss is gonna kill me when I show up late again!

December 8, 1998
I'd like to use this day to honor the stapler. Some folks believe that December 8th is the anniversary of its invention, but I know for a fact that Mr. Irving L. Stape didn't come up with the design for this piece of Americana. The stapler was originally conceived by Mr. Creosote, longtime rival of Mr. Stapes. Mr. Creosote also invented the cat sponge, the beenie-weenie hairpiece, and the unforgetable toilet squeegee. All have achieved great popularity in the Ukrane (where they celebrate Mr. Creosote day every March 3) but his inventions never caught on here in the U.S.

December 9, 1998
There is no Journal entry today, so don't even bother reading this.

December 10, 1998
Today we celebrate the birthday of my wee brother Joel with a reminiscence. One day, Joel was sitting on the couch, minding his own business, watching an Electric Company Spider Man episode. In the other room his three older brothers were plotting to trade him to the neighbors for an Intellivision and a handful of magic beans. Ah, the memories don't get much warmer than this.

December 11, 1998
There comes a time in every man's life where he must suck in his gut, put away the Barbie dolls, and learn to read sanskrit. Fortunately, my time is not until 2026. Anyone seen my Malibu Barbie?

December 12, 1998
Just thirteen more days until Canada's Boxing Day! My uvula is all atingle with anticipation!

December 13, 1998
Is it wrong to be the founding member of the Fort Wayne chapter of the David Hasselhoff's Hair fan club?

December 14, 1998
Looking for a good time? Me and my girlfriends are waiting for you at Kinky Betty's Salad Hut. Stop by soon!

December 15, 1998
Anybody seen the mayonaise?

December 16, 1998
To save you the embarassment of asking, yes, I've always had an abnormally elongated sternum.

December 17, 1998
I'm sick of the apathy that is running rampant in America! It's time for a change. So Jimmy, if you're reading this, you go ahead and crack your corn. I care... We care... America cares.

December 18, 1998

(you're it)

December 19, 1998
There is no "real" logic behind the poncho that I always wear. However, it does create a certain aura about me. When the folks in the office see me getting coffee with my poncho on, they are perhaps thinking to themselves, "There is that mysterious wanderer who always wears the poncho. There are so many questions we have for him and yet we are afraid to ask. The coffee must warm his soul." Either that or they just scream out, "Hey, Poncho Freak, don't drink all the coffee like you did yesterday!" like they always do.

December 20, 1998
If I have to choose between a society that makes a mockery of it's highest values and one that never wavers on the essentials of decency, it usually comes down to which one has the most cable channels.

December 21, 1998
If I were going to start my own lawn care business, I don't think that I would call it, "Divot Boy's Extreme Lawn Care".

December 22, 1998
I was just watching a stunning documentary about ham on PBS. Ham is really an interesting meat--it intrigues me nearly as much as cotto salami, but not quite. I care for summer sausage a great deal. I have some friends who don't eat meat. I understand why. It is such a travesty that those animals go through such horrendous injustices. And besides, I much prefer the flesh of young children.

December 23, 1998
More meat musings today: I spent my lunch hour thinking about bologna sandwiches. I don't understand at all why they spell it that way. It's not even pronounced like that. Everyone knows the correct spelling should be "samwiches."

December 24, 1998
For those buddhists in our reading audience, today is Christmas Eve. I remember well the Christmas Eve back in '83 when my dad came home with our Christmas surprise: a real barrel of monkies! We've never had so much fun but it took mom a month to get all the monkey ka-ka out of the carpet.

December 25, 1998
Little cheese curds in the vat,
Filled with milk and whey.
Flavored with a run down cat,
Killed on Christmas day.
Tastes of chedder, hints of brie,
Mixed with feline splat.
Reminds me of the Christmas tree,
Where Mittens once had sat.
No more cat calls,
claws, or hair balls.
No cat nip or fleas.
Fermented Road Kill,
Cat, curds, cold chilled,
We call Christmas Cheese.

December 26, 1998
Ah, the day after Christmas. The kids, snug in bed, joyously dreaming about the gifts they have received. This is the time that I like to stop what I'm doing and just think, reminisce about the good times, the Christmas pasts, present, and future. I look back and smile... and I think, gosh, that dead shaved kitten that Santa brought me this year isn't so bad after all.

December 27, 1998
My favorite gift from Christmas is the new DVD release of "Casablanca" which includes behind the scenes footage and a very special Pig Latin overdubbed version.

December 28, 1998
Back to work after a long Christmas weekend. I'm still in the Christmas spirit, but now New Year's is fast approaching. More parties to prepare, food to eat, champagne to drink. And I'll never get anything done if these gnomes don't stop dancing under my desk.

December 29, 1998
I'm in the mood for lima beans. Don't know why.

December 30, 1998
If Jerry Mathers had been nicknamed "Aardvark" instead of "Beaver", do you think the series would have been as popular?

December 31, 1998
As creator of this here Journal site, it is my honor and privilege to wish all three of our readers a happy new year full of pork by-products and chinchilla custard. These are a few of my favorite things!