February 1, 1999
And now, here are some "Little Known Facts" that I just made up (none of which are
true to my knowledge, but they sure do sound interesting):
1. Squirrels make a popping noise when they vomit.
2. Audiologists have discovered that dogs are not fond of the names Steve, Larry, or Lloyd
3. When you cross the street in Venezuala, you must make the sign of the cross and start with your left foot.
4. Scientists are still baffled by the origin of the tongue depressor
5. Licorice was accidentally discovered by Luigi Licorico of Milan, Italy when he was trying to invent the typewriter ribbon (35 years before the typewriter was even invented!)
6. Married men in Salt Lake City, Utah are required by law to kiss thier wives before sunrise on New Years Day (however many they may have!).
7. The first commercial broadcast nationwide was for Preperation H and lasted three hours.
8. The top three rejected brand names for the soft drink that is now called "Dr. Pepper": "Mr. Salt", "Coca Colon" and "Lab Accident Juice" (in no particular order).
9. If the virus that causes the common cold could be harvested and mass produced, it would remove stains from any type of material.
10. The four out of five doctors that recommend certain products as advertised on TV all practice in the same office located in Reno, Nevada (Northwest of Los Angeles). These four doctors also received their licenses from the same school located in Tijuana,
Mexico. The other doctor's identity is still a mystery.
February 2, 1999
Today is Groundhog's Day here in America. Every February 2nd a groundhog emerges from it's hole in the ground. If the groundhog sees it's shadow we will have six more weeks of winter. If the groundhog does NOT see his shadow, we will have an early spring. Strange as it may seem, this year the groundhog emerged singing showtunes. The event went on for hours until the creature was finally shot with a tranquilizer gun which caused it to go into epileptic siezures. When he finally regained consciousness he looked down to the ground for his shadow and dropped dead. This particular series of events is still being studied for interpretation but it's safe to assume that we will have an early spring and that a New Kids On the Block reuinion tour is certain for the new millenium.
February 3, 1999
I recently watched the "X-Files" movie on video. It really makes you think. I mean, what if we aren't alone? What if alien beings from another planet are bent on the destruction of Earth? It really puts things into perspective... Like, is it really that big of a deal that I dress up in women's clothing and assassinate world leaders in my spare time?
February 4, 1999
What if bananas were shaped differently? Would they still be such a tasty treat if they were neon purple squares?
February 5, 1999
How exciting that the NBA season is underway. Maybe this will be the Cubs year.
February 6, 1999
I was watching a quality TV show on Comedy Central and was flipping through the channels during a commercial when I came across this all-news channel, CNN. What a marvelous invention. Now we can receive news as it happens, and be completely informed! Did you know our president is in some sort of sex scandal?
February 7, 1999
If they made toothpaste in flavors like scotch, whiskey, and beer, I bet there would be a lot more alcoholics with minty fresh breath.
February 8, 1999
If everyone could just have their own gravyboat, the world would finally know global peace. Of course, the gravy boat would have to be filled with gold boullion.
February 9, 1999
I do believe strips of beef jerky would make wonderful currency in some remote areas of the world. If it ever happens, I'd move there faster than you can say, "Snap into a Slim Jim!"
February 10, 1999
Right now I'm having a difficult time coming up with any reason not to name my next son "Jethro".
February 11, 1999
Have you noticed the sun shines brighter these days and the sky is bluer? Yep, ozone's gone and soon we will be, too!
February 12, 1999
When I was just a boy I carried a dingey blanket around with me at all times. I called it my "binky" and the hardest thing I ever did was bury those bodies for my bookie...but wait, that has NOTHING to do with the binky.
February 13, 1999
As I write there are two grown men on the television wearing shiney shorts and throwing punches at one another in front of a crowd of thousands. No, it's not a show, but they are actually on top of my TV. Technology....wow.
February 14, 1999
Nothing says "I love you" like a 50 pound sack of corn meal.
February 15, 1999
One time I asked my dad to explain to me how a mirror works. He summed it up by telling me that it had something to do with gravity and that he never really loved me and that I was adopted. To this day, I see my reflection and still wonder how it all works.
February 16, 1999
Yesterday, I met with an old friend. We talked for about an hour, reminiscing about the past, talking about old times, remembering the days of our youth while repeating ourselves as we drooled on our shirts.
February 17, 1999
Every year a group of men and women actually assemble to create a list of proposed names for the season's upcomming tropical storms and hurricanes. This year, the following names were rejected...Clinton, Happiness and Sunshine.
February 18, 1999
It's only a matter of days until Starbuck's #1 coffee is coffee-flavored coffee.
February 19, 1999
The one thing that all of these computer programmers forgot to take into account with regards to this year 2000 thing is the fact that I'm not wearing pants.
February 20, 1999
As I sit in my room on this last night of a three day business trip in Atlanta, I ponder the progress I have made, look forward to seeing my family soon, and wonder how I'm going to get that hotel coffee maker into my suitcase.
February 21, 1999
Libraries truly amaze me. Where else can you go to get all the books, magazines, and CDs that you need? Where else is knowledge at your fingertips? Where else can you find homeless people picking their noses while bathing in the first floor restrooms?
February 22, 1999
Many people wonder who decided this month should be shorter than all the other ones. Many people don't realize that it was actually my Uncle Frank who came up with the idea. But even he still gets confused on leap years.
February 23, 1999
I got a new computer at work today. It's really quite exciting for me. It is one of those fancy, high-tech types with lots of hard drive space, all sorts of great programs, and a huge, high-resolution monitor. My boss says that if I keep up the good work, they'll get me a keyboard and a mouse next year, whatever that means.
February 24, 1999
You may have noticed the annual Sports Illustrated "Swimsuit Issue" at newsstands lately. Many of my friends ask me why I gave up my high-paying job as a photographer of those scantily-clad supermodels. Flying to scenic beaches around the world was nice, but, well, you have no idea how uncomfortable a little sand in your bathing suit can be.
February 25, 1999
Anyone else wondering what happened to the musical group Bread?
February 26, 1999
My eyes sparkle at the mere mention of Tony Danza. Is this wrong?
February 27, 1999
Four out of five people consider themselves to be one of the four and not the fifth.
February 28, 1999
My dad once shot a rooster with a slingshot but that's okay... it was a mean bird.