January 1999January 1, 1999
January 2, 1999
January 3, 1999
I was in the mood to write some poetry today, but my lizard ate my iambic pentameter.
January 4, 1999
Would you believe my wife bought me underwear for Christmas? Isn't that the sort of thing you expect from parents? Pretty soon she'll be expecting me to wear actual clothes around the house.
January 5, 1999
I recall a time from my youth when I was on vacation in Florida. We stopped by a Papa John's pizza restaurant to order a pizza, and the guy working was named John Paul. It was on his nametag. My brother asked him if he ever got the Pope's mail. He didn't laugh. When we got our pizza 25 minutes later, we were worried he had done something gross to it. The rest of the vacation we spent on our hands and knees in the bathroom, throwing up violently. It's memories like these that I cherish.
January 6, 1999
Paper clips are truly nature's way of showing us how to heal our inner soul.
January 7, 1999
Whatever happened to Bananarama, anyway?
January 8, 1999
I always wished I had a grand nickname growing up... something like Butch or Chet or Hank... Instead the kids all called me Melonhead Hoffman.
January 9, 1999
The problem with this country is that only the rich can afford transplants. What poor schmuck wouldn't benefit from a liver transplant or a lymph node overhaul? I plan on starting Earl's Transplant Shack in shopping malls around the country. Franchise opportunities are available!
January 10, 1999
Ever wonder why we don't wear underpants on our heads? Just one of the mysteries of life, I guess.
January 11, 1999
If Jo-Jo The Dog Faced Boy was my neighbor, I wouldn't hate him or slander him. I would make him fetch a frisbee.
January 12, 1999
Need more proof that we are in the end times? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Yanni and Kenny-G.
January 13, 1999
If I had elephantitus, you wouldn't hear me complain like those mamby-pamby Africans! Nope! I'd wheel 'em around with pride!
January 14, 1999
A lot of people are under the misunderstanding that cannibalism is wrong.
January 15, 1999
Mork and Mindy : They're not just for breakfast anymore!
January 16, 1999
My taste buds are popping with the effervescent, gooey goodness of Gregorian chants!
January 17, 1999
The time is 10:32 and I've just spent the last twenty minutes aimlessly roaming the vast complex of cubicles in the endless search for free food. Once again, I return to my cold pseudo-office empty handed.
January 18, 1999
Today is the opening day of aardvark hunting season. Yes, now they are in season and now we have a reason to have stew!
January 19, 1999
I'm not too proud to admit that I have two webbed toes on each foot and that it was, perhaps, an unfair advantage when I challenged my great-grandpa to a swim race.
January 20, 1999
Gorka! Gorka! Gorka!
January 21, 1999
Usually, my extra elbow doesn't get in the way of things, but when I accidentally hit my funny bones yesterday during worked, I laughed until it was time to go home.
January 22, 1999
The 60's were a time of rapid change for the United States. It brought with it the questioning of authority and incredible poetry like, "Here we come, walkin' down the street. We get the funniest looks, from everyone we meet. Hey, hey we're the Monkees." Just makes you want to go back, doesn't it?
January 23, 1999
People that live in the past are often looked down upon, but I'm particularly fond of them because they help me win big at the horse track.
January 24, 1999
It may seem like a waste of time to most people, but since I've been working I have saved every paper clip ever sent to me. I label each one and file them first by the day of the week that I receive them and then by the color of the shirt I was wearing when it was received. If my 12 years of data is similar to other office workers all over the world, I can tell ya that if you REALLY want to get more paper clips, wear a green shirt to the office on Friday.
January 25, 1999
Whenever you check into a hotel room, tell the person at the front desk that you want the "super secret government toilets". The Feds have been trying to hide these for years, but by law, all you have to do is ask for them. Trust me, once you use them, you'll never want to go back.
January 26, 1999
Swing may be the music fad of the year, but look for Polka to return with a vengeance in 2000! Remember that you heard it from The Journal first.
January 27, 1999
Our lawyer informed us recently that we should mention that all of the material on our site is copyrighted by The Journal, 1998 and 1999 (so far). He then mumbled something about suing Burger King because their Whoppers were "too hot" and may have caused emotional trauma to my tongue, but then he heard the ambulence siren and had to hang up right away.
January 28, 1999
My parents just explained to me today that velvet is not a color.
January 29, 1999
I'm working on a soft drink that finally brings together the taste of butter and fizzy water.
January 30, 1999
If a cat's urine glows in black light, why hasn't man found a way to capitalize on it? You'd think that somewhere someone would open up a kooky cat urine display and charge big bucks for admission.
January 31, 1999
Be sure to look for our ad today for The Journal during the Superbowl broadcast on FOX. It's certainly worth the $1.6 million dollars to do it to get more hits on the site. However, we were a little short on funds and ended up striking a deal with our agent, "Fast Eddie". Just remember that our ads are the ones that talk about Budweiser. We were a few bucks shy of getting the lizards and frogs to talk about our site or mention the URL. But we are still very proud.