July 1, 1998
Last night, while sitting on my front porch, munching my way through my third bag of corn chips, I had a horrifying premonition. I will spare you the sickening details, but rest assured that on July 15, 1998, I will spontaneously implode at 2:17 p.m. My cubicle-neighbors will hear a slight "whompf" and, noticing a faint odor, will deduce that I am just "offgasing" again and will simply open their "Stick'ems" a little wider.
July 2, 1998
There are too many simularities between "Boinkin'" Bill Clinton and John "Urinal Cake" Kennedy to be ignored.
July 3, 1998
I just found out that there is a hidden track on the TMBG CD "Factory Showroom". As I am stranded here at work, I am unable to listen to this new-found gem and instead must wait for eight long hours. However, this will explain why, when I tried to listen to the CD on my CD-ROM at work, it played only Sonny Bono tunes.
July 4, 1998
In honor of Independence Day, I have finally decided to share with you all my secret Rabbit Gravy recipe. First, get a can of Rabbit Gravy (usually a 12 ounce can is enough for my crew). Next add a teaspoon of dried parsley leaves and the juice from a can of lima beans. Heat this up until it comes to a full boil and the aroma alarms the neighbors. Immediately pour the scalding hot gravy onto a slice of melba toast and eat. Yes, your lips and tongue will be scarred for life, but the taste is out of this world. Have a Happy Fourth!
July 5, 1998
I know this weekend is the 4th of July and I should write something patriotic, my being new to this country and all, but I don't have time as I have to deal with the beaver problem at my house. I'm not sure how they got in but they are everywhere, crawling across the carpet, rummaging through the sugar bowl, in general, being a nuisance. So I must deal with them instead. [Note: A faithful reader of this site has just informed me that I have a manifestation of ANTS and not beavers, as I previously mentioned. Sorry for any confusion I may have caused.]
July 6, 1998
As I was driving once I saw this painted on a bridge, "I don't want the world. I just want your half."
July 7, 1998
Who writes this journal, anyway? Perhaps you've asked a co-worker that question as you perused the page during regular office hours. Well, we plan to let you in on a secret. Yes, there are at least two of us. If you can properly divide them up, GristlePop Enterprises, International will send you a home enema kit. Just send your entry to email@example.com and place the word, "lactose" in the subject line.
July 8, 1998
There's nothing all that interesting going on today. Sometimes, that's the way our life goes. Last night at around 2 am I sat up in my bed and realized that I've done nothing with my life. I panicked and thought about all of the plans that I had when I was young and how I was going to make a difference. Then, I remembered that I still had at least half a can of Easy Cheese left and some stale Ritz Crackers in the back of the car. I'm pretty sure that I fell asleep eating them because there was a dried up line of cheese hanging from my chin when I got to work this morning.
July 9, 1998
I have a meeting in eleven minutes and a stack of stuff I need to get done before then. Instead I write. I think it's more of a compulsive behaviour than anything else. A kind of exhibitionism, except that no one is watching, which means that it is instead some sick, private perversion. And I can live with that.
July 10, 1998
My back aches today. Just one of those things I guess, you know, getting older and all. It might also because of the little fling the missuz and I had last night. She's always been a tad on the wild side and we've never had a problem with the uneven parallel bars before. If you ask me, I think her pregnancy has thrown off her center of gravity and that we should stick to the pommel horse until at least the eighth month.
July 11, 1998
As I munch on this .65 oz snack size 100 Grand bar, I see on the wrapper that it is composed of "Chewy Caramel, Milk Chocolate, Crispy Crunchies" I always thought it was crisped rice but now I find out it is the ambiguously labeled "crunchies". This could be toasted ants, crushed packing peanuts, or decalcified gallstones. I know I'll never be the same.
July 12, 1998
Do you think "Weird Al" would have made it as big if he had a name like "Bob Hudson". "That was 'Eat It', the newest song from Weird Bob Hudson. What a zany guy!
July 13, 1998
FROM THE NEWSWIRES..."On Jan. 1, 1999, the European Economic and Monetary Union (EMU) expects to introduce a single currency called the euro, which will result in significant changes for banking and commerce. The action will replace multiple existing currencies, monetary policies and to some degree, fiscal policies in Europe's financial markets. And, these changes in turn will require changes in operational procedures, documentation and technology. The 11 countries that are founding members will create the world's second largest economy after the United States. The capital markets of the countries that join the EMU will be merged. These countries include Germany, France, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Belgium, Luxembourg, Netherlands, Finland, Austria and Ireland.
--Be afraid... be very afraid...of the nuts that think this means anything,
July 14, 1998
I made a little macro/program that quizzes you on the notes of the bass clef and then gives stats on how well you did. I'm able to read notation... slowly, and am trying to get better at it so I can read music and play bass at the same time. Could come in handy later on when I'm off the drink.
July 15, 1998
I find spiny eels in my pajamas painful, and yet strangely erotic. Yes, kids, it's my new catch-phrase! Soon to bask in the glow of infamy with such wonderbots as "Whatchu talkin' 'bout Willis?", "Ai Karumba!", "Hey fellas, let's have a burger bash!" and "FOR ME TO POOP ON!" will be "and yet strangely erotic." Feel free to use this phrase today before it gets worn out, used and cliched!
July 16, 1998
Have you noticed that with the advent of the fax machine and the Internet (i.e. E-mail) we have this randomly floating humor? People just radomly send out humorous (sometimes) messages and images to one another via fax and e-mail. I wonder if the same phenomenon occured when the telephone first came out. Can you imagine someone that you barely know or don't know at all calling you up just to tell you a joke? Odd, isn't it?
July 17, 1998
Well, 'tis Friday again, the day I wax my ears and live a normal life again. TIDBIT: From a pub. I get monthly: "Americans spend nearly $600 billion each year on lotteries, legal casinos, and race tracks - more than they spend on groceries". THREE CHEERS FOR IDIOTS!!!! I've been reading a Dilbert Future book someone loaned me, and one of his main priciples it that the majority of people are stupid. As an intelligent person, your job is to make money off these imbiciles. The lottery is a prime example! A tax on the mentally deficient!!! Well, gotta run to National Cash Advance to get an advance on next week's paycheck so I can make my payment of our 25" TV we bought at a rent to own (I only pay $10 a week for two years! Sure, it ends up costing me over $1000 for a $250 TV, but I have it NOW!!!)
July 18, 1998
I just found out something exciting and wanted to share it with you. Just like Ballpark Franks, human flesh PLUMPS when you cook it!
July 19, 1998
The daughter of the lady in the cubicle next to me just had her wisdom teeth pulled out last week and she is having some complications. As a result, I've heard the term "dry socket" about 18 times too many today. Will the madness ever end?
July 20, 1998
Life is like a bowl of cottage cheese, no, better make that a bowl of Valvoline 30 weight.
July 21, 1998
I know a lot about the history of Cleveland, Ohio
July 22, 1998
Lately, I've thought a lot about eagles and how graceful they are. Yet, it's somewhat ironic since a creature of such grace is armed with natural tools to kill and devour prey. What a contrast! Sometimes I wish I could whoosh out of the sky, landing on an unsuspecting rabbit while ripping out it's entrails and eating it's flesh. Something like that would probably get me a shot at Jerry Springer.
July 23, 1998
I realize now that I made a grave mistake in naming my son. Perhaps I was caught up in the frenzy of creativity, consumed by the absolute freedom I had to name some new creation, a name that would stick for all time. What else would explain the name "Jasper Fuelpump Apteryx Hoffman"? Sure, Fuelpump is a family name so I can understand that, but Jasper?
July 24, 1998
In recent years, I have become a fan of Ives, Schoenberg, and Yermuthersaz (heh). You need your colon adjusted if'ns ya cant hear the genieuss coming from them boys. Plus, I'm a born sucker for really good pop music.
July 25, 1998
In my little world, every day is a tuesday.
July 26, 1998
My church is currently between pastors for the first time in eighteen years. The guy who preached today did a pretty good job, although I'm not sure that colonic irrigation is really prescribed in the book of Philemon. At least it was a refreshing alternative to communion.
July 27, 1998
I just remembered my locker combination from my senior year in high school! Isn't it amazing how our minds work like that? It was something like 22-something-something, I think. Wait, I know there was a 2 in it. It may not haven 22. Man, that's amazing.
July 28, 1998
If there's one thing you don't want to do to a guy with a gun in your face, it's laugh.
July 29, 1998
Sometimes words cannot capture the feelings I have for my wife. But if I had to narrow it down to three words it would be "Life Sucker Outer".
July 30, 1998
Ok, I've received several complaints (ok, actually I haven't received any because no one reads this) about yesterday's journal entry and I need to come clean. I really do love my wife and she hasn't sucked the life out of me. I know you're all (i.e. no one) waiting for a punch line but there isn't one. So there.
July 31, 1998
The last day of July is here and I have't done a thing with my nails.