There once was an elf named Spatula who lived in an enchanted forest, as elves are prone to do. One day, as Spatula was slathering on a heavy coating of Patchouli, he slipped and fell on the oil, breaking a majority of the bones in his body and causing multiple contusions similar to those found on the rotting body of Princess Diana. Did I mention that Spatula was wearing underpants? These weren't ordinary underpants because ordinary underpants do not exist in enchanted forests. No, these were MAGIC underpants! The wearer of these undergarments had but to wish for a certain kind of cheese and great mounds of this aged milk-product would instantly appear. However, no kind of cheese would help poor Spatula right now, who by this time was having difficulty breathing due to several of his shattered ribs which, even as we speak, were puncturing his tiny elven lungs. With one last determined effort, Spatula shouted out, "Brie!" Actually, he had wanted some provolone or perhaps a nice smackeral of Gorganzola but didn't have the strength to grapple with such a strenuous name. As the word sputtered forth from his tiny mouth, great wheels of Brie came crashing down, smothering him with their soft and tasty goodness, bringing him to a slow, asphyxiated death.

By Uncle Smeggy, fall 1997